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Je ne sais quoi

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It's been one of those funny weeks. Not the kind I'd usually try and remember. Normally, a week like this gets concertina-ed into a bunch of other indifferent weeks - to be folded up, forgotten and never remembered again.

Yet, here I am.

There've been several tributaries of me, and they nearly all ran blue this week. 

Physiologically, chemically - blips. Disappointments are low-key. Easy enough to gloss over, keep sailing. But in honest moments, the undercurrents can be indigo-blue.

Low energy, exhaustion. Meh food/dinners. Played catch-up. Badly. Deliberately stepped off the personal wagon of trying to avoid simple refined carbs and sugars. Will try and reset this weekend. Shrug. What else do you do?

Work. Had a biggish regular task taken off my plate this week. Nothing to do with how I was doing the job, but more rearrangement of resources - at least, that's how it's been couched to me. I can understand why it was done and the bigger picture etc, and I'll get over it soon enough. But I'm still sardonically using the term 'demotion'. 

This then rakes over all those thoughts about whether this is the right gig for me. Home-wise, it gives balance without too much stress. It's wonderful in that respect and important for my family life and my LittleOne. Career/ambition-wise, it frequently feels like a cul-de-sac. Frankly contradictory. How to unite the contradictions? Why overthink it? I could just count my blessings instead. Sometimes, most times, I do.

Creativity. More meh. Making targets, missing them. Words don't flow and why do I bother, and all the other familiar, stinging thoughts. Bit silly making this my core identity when I do so little here. Meh etc etc.

Social media. Two different doggies far away with whom I've crossed online paths. Both passed away. Both kind of unexpected. Found out in the morning about one, in the evening about the other. It tears your heart. Ripples the memories of my own devastation over my Bodie-Boy.

So there you go. What do I do? Remember the week, or bury it? A bit of both.

Dry yourself off, get warm, hope the blue fades, deep breath, shrug your shoulders, another deep breath, try and get more sleep. 

Remember the blue stuff if I need to, but keep in the good stuff too - the clear sky, the bright full moon, the eclipse, the nearly-ripe mandarins on the tree, the hugs, the giggles, sunshine, the tiny pale-pink mulberries. 

Du fond du coeur.

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